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Self discovery is a long journey that I don't think any of us can ever finish. We evolve and change at a pace that is far too blinding to be measurable. It's for this reason that I despise the question "who am I". Who am I?
It depends on what day this question is posed and where my life is headed. For today, today I am a poet trapped inside a lack of effort. My messy hair, blemished skin and lack of care is comparable only to the musings that spew from my fingertips onto the screen.
But yesterday? Oh, yesterday I was low-esteem gift-wrapped in the most brilliant shade of confidence. I was cleavage you tried hard not to look at, but the eye naturally wanders. I was desire in tight jeans, dark lips and a v-line.
Who I am is who the day makes me. Did insomnia come to visit again last night? Is it cloudy and cold, just the perfect weather for nothingness? Have I a friend today? Each day, who I am changes to become who I was. No two days are the same. I will never stay the same.
Yesterday a part of my heart was torn out, I cried and wept and numbed myself. Today I am a steel fortress of solitude and alienation, for I cannot cry again. Tomorrow I may not care at all, or perhaps I will care more than ever.
"But," I've so often been asked, "what are you?"
As if this question has an answer. Which label do you want me to ascribe to myself in order for you to better understand me? Do not understand that I fall under 'miscellaneous'? That I am not anything but 'other'? If you must slap a label across my forehead so that you can file me under the conversation pieces for later, why don't you try the ones that I searched for myself? I am PTSD. I am depression. I am anxiety. I am disturbed sleeping pattern, changes in appetite and often feeling nervous for no good reason. I am the owner of a high score in an exclusive game called the K-10. The only game where the high score makes the loser, making me irony drizzled with finely simmered bad luck and topped with freshly picked acceptance.
I am a neon sign reading "kick me" in a tank of goldfish, mouths opening and closing but nothing coming out. I am a rainbow flag in a battlefield of broken bones and bodies. Most of all, I am the weather. I am the sun on your back that tomorrow becomes the rain that races its way into your socks, making you uncomfortable for the remainder of your day. I am the beautifully lit sunset in a clear sky that yesterday was a dance of electrified wonder and loud crashes that hurt your ears. I am a gentle breeze, cooling you off and making you feel 'just right', but I am also the scorching rays that damage your skin. I am unpredictable at times, though if you know me, you can usually prepare yourself to weather tomorrows storm, as my patterns never stray too far.
Who I am is who today brings. Who I was was yesterday's problem and who I will be is for tomorrow to decide.