16 Types of Drunks

We all have a beautiful array of funny, chaotic and sometimes near tragic drunken stories to share. Alcohol affects us all a little differently, but makes for a good story. So whether you get a little silly, a little crazy or a little aggressive, let me know which one of these drunks best describes you.

1. The Teleporter

The teleporter is usually someone you know. Whenever you talk about this friend, you'll start the story with, "this one time I was drinking with [friend] and they woke up..."

The teleported has a bad habit of disappearing into thin air and waking up in the last place you'd imagine them. An abandoned field, an old playground, a cemetery, their exes house, they'll turn up just about anywhere you wouldn't think to look. They'll ask you how they got there and not a soul will know. 

2. The Denier

We all have one of these is our social circle. That one friend that insists they're sober, while not being able to stand, sit, speak or sip straight. They could be slipping into an alcohol-induced coma and their final conscious words will be, "I'm not drunk!"

3. The Diver

This is the person you always guard. You stop them from going near bushes, stairs or furniture that they'll dive into, off of or on. They'll constantly throw themselves into things while giggling like a maniac and usually insist that you egged it on. This is almost never the case.

4. The Big Talker

The Big Talker will tell the most incredible stories. With each drink, the stories gain momentum and before you know a placid story about having a pint at the local pub turns into a mythical adventure full of fire-breathing beasts and a Jackie-chan style fight scene.

5. The Kung-Fu Master

Sloppy high-kicks, horribly aimed punches and cringe-worthy sound effects are the trademark of this drinker. 5 drinks down and they think they're an MMA fighter who can't be beaten, yet when actually faced with a brawl go down quicker than Rousey V Holmes.

6. The Sex Machine

Nothing can stop this person from getting laid once they're a few drinks down. They'll do anything (and anyone) to get their rocks off. If you're not this person in your social group, you probably wish you were so you could avoid having to reject them.

7. The Philosopher 

The deeper their drunken state runs, the deeper their outlook on life gets. They'll start putting questions to you that you'd never thought to ask.

They resemble the stoner, in many ways and it could be easily mistaken that they are.

8. The Lover

You are their best friend and their soul mate... And you only met them 5 minutes ago. Everyone is wonderful to this person and they feel a deep attachment to everyone who so much as says hello. If you are this friend, most people think you're annoying or adorable, or a cocktail of the two. 

9. Captain Adventure

The self-assigned leader of the drunken squad, the patron saint of antics, this friend will lead drag you down that rabbit hole whether you're willing or not. There is an easy way to pick this person in any crowd, simply listen for the words, "let's go [insert any word but home]"

10. The Ditz

This person should be used in infomercials about the dangers of drinking. They're the living embodiment of the phrase 'alcohol kills brains cells'. Every joke is met with "I don't get it". They always respond with "what" and they never seem to have a clue what's going on. 

11.  The Dancer

Doesn't matter how good or bad they look, doesn't matter what song is playing, they'll dance. Every single song is "their jam" and you can't stop them flailing about hopelessly in drunken dancing bliss. They'll usually force someone to dance with them, which is almost always an embarrassment. 

12. The Emo

2 drinks down and you start to keep an eye on them. 2 drinks later and they're a sobbing mess. They'll want to cry on your shoulder because they got called fat in 3rd grade, which was the same year their dog died and you have no choice but to console them. They'll want to call former flames and demand closure that they acquired 5 years ago. They'll want someone to tell them they're pretty while their mascara runs down their neckline. They're oh so sad and they'll let out every tear.

13. The Joker

This friend is the one who always plays the worst practical jokes and laughs maniacally at each one. They'll tell you bad jokes, play stupid pranks and get worse with each one. They make you cringe, they're a little annoying, but they make you laugh anyway. Usually at how funny they think they are.

14. The Super Cereal Straight Talker

They don't make any sense, but they'll talk your ear off anyway. Don't dare laugh, because they are super, super cereal.  They can't stand feeling like you're mocking them and demand you take them seriously. Even if they're trying to explain to you how it's ridiculous that nothing rhymes with orange and we just haven't checked it against other languages.

15. The Constant Rebutter

You could ask them if they want a drink and they'll tell you to piss off. You say hi and they say go away. Every single thing you say will be used against you. If you talk to them, they just want to argue (even if they agree) but if you ignore them, they'll make a drama. They will argue every single thing anyone says just for the sake of it. 

16. The Stripper

Streaking, flashing and stripping are all in a good night's fun for this person. If you are this person, you'll feel like you're at war with your clothing. You constantly want to rip it all off and wonder why everyone is constantly screaming at you not to.

So which one are you? Have I missed any? Enjoy your drunken dazes, people and stay happy.